I for a longer part of my life felt that I was always too helpless to turn things around to suit me. I had made myself an easy excuse of an assumed helplessness to save myself the pain of working hard. I performed miserably in my engineering because I assumed certain helplessness for I was doing something that I never wanted to. I took up engineering because my dad has always dreamed to see his only son being an engineer just like 3 Idiots.
So, I was someone who was least interested in engineering or the technical aspects of the world and rather wanted to study either literature or economics and I was somehow always convinced that I would easily persuade my father to allow me to pursue one of these. I was a bright student and school and I never backed down from working hard for anything and everything that lied in my ambit or my interest zone! My sort of something!
But I couldn’t dare to deter my Father’s expectations and landed into an engineering college. I always felt that I was victimised and I had been made a scapegoat to my father’s dreams which maybe he did not have the right to see when it came to my career.
So, living in this blanket of victimization my zeal for studies and my enthusiasm for hard work died in the very first year of college and I always looked for things that digressed me from the woes of this technical world I did not belong too rather I never even wanted to in the vicinity of.
Engineering progressed further and I was anything but interested to even buy my books or care about what is there in the syllabus and this went on and on rewarding me good number of backlogs in almost every semester’s results. I was just happy to tell myself that I never wanted it, neither would I want to pursue a career in this and that I have been victimised. So, to me my engineering was nothing more than just a degree that would make my father happy.
But living in this zone of ignorance I never realised that I need the degree at least if not the placement and hence I should not ignore my studies as blatantly as I do. I was always under the impression that I would sort my degree before college gets over and let things be.
THEN CAME THE REAL HELPLESSNESS
When I reached the second last semester of my degree I realised that I have a lot of backlogs to clear and I just sulked moving towards depression day by day. From the plans of clearing the degree for my family’s sake and then doing a post-graduation in a field of my choice I now drenched in the doubt that would I even ever be able to clear my engineering given so many backlogs? So my second last semester was now surrounded by these fears of ending up as an undergraduate.
I then realised how I have made blunders that have destroyed the prospects of my career and even future. Not that I was any interested to do an engineering job but I at least wanted my graduation degree and seeing that all my friends would graduate and not me I went deeper into my apprehensions and a sense of depression.
Even my second last semester brought me back logs and this time around it was the highest number of backlogs I ever got thanks to the pit of depression I had dug for my own self! I felt like running away somewhere or perhaps hanging myself to the fan for I had made muck out of my life.
I could not tell about this to my family, to share it with my friends I was too ashamed for they were all graduating on time with a nice convocation ceremony arranged for them at the end of the degree which would soon come after our last semester’s industrial training was to get over. I on the other hand was toiling between the thoughts of running away or ending myself. I could not decide what was easier.
I RATHER CHOOSE TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS SELF ASSUMED HELPLESSNESS
As my college was ending and I was ending as a drop out maybe or maybe someone who could not complete his engineering. For months into my second last semester and the whole of my industrial training I was wearing this depression and helplessness that I would never be able to clear so many backlogs!
Towards the end of my industrial training I told myself that my life is precious and I wouldn’t just hang to the fan like this and waste it. I told myself that if I wish to and If, I am determined to I shall clear any number of backlogs. I introspected well and I realised that my problems and my sense of helplessness are self-created and hence can be easily defeated!
So, I revisited my school days and took to hard work! I decided that I would finish this once and for all and get over my engineering! For two months I studied, I studied as much as I had never studied in my entire degree for this time I had an objective to achieve! I had 8 back logs to clear and I cleared them all with good grades even though I graduated a semester later than my batch mates but I did it! From thoughts of running away or dying to cleaning my mess and coming out of this helplessness and fight it my life and my perspectives changed!
I realised that life is as helpless as we make it and if we choose to battle it out, nothing can defeat us!